10.28.2005

You can’t reason with a Zombie - a Hallowe'en pondering

In celebration of Halloween or All Hallow's Eve or Candy Day I present the following pondering. (and you thought that I forgot to post - bwa ha ha)

I’m not a fan of horror. I don’t like “the dark side” and I prefer never being scared by things of an underworld nature. It’s not worth it to me. Some people may enjoy that “high” of being scared or startled, but let’s make one thing clear – these people need help. From the occasional gut tossing rollercoaster to the gaudy faux-haunted house complete with vac-formed tombstones, people really need to find another device for excitability.
Like cross-stitching. Tedious it may seem, but the thrill of seeing a picture come to life from dots of yarn … well, one really can’t describe it fully to do it justice. I want to be clear in stating that I don’t suggest you cross-stitch a zombie on a throw pillow. That would be very off-putting for Grandma. Just keep the weird devil stuff where it should be – in large discount bins at Halloween Express-o-ramas. While you’re at it, seal it off and don’t go near it. You may think you are getting a good deal on a “Demented Dentist” starter kit, but in the long run your investment will depreciate on several levels.
Which brings me to zombies. Do we really need them? The very idea that something would slowly seek you out, without rest, no matter how far you traveled away only for you to be overcome by the feeling of inevitability is creepy enough. But why a zombie? Why not a gym coach? Or a telemarketer?
I remember my older brother trying to explain the “undead” to me. It went something like this:
Ricky “They aren’t alive, but they aren’t dead either.”
Me “Then what are they?”
Ricky “They’re undead.”
Me “Doesn’t that prefix just prove that they are alive?”
Ricky “No, they aren’t alive”
Me “But they move?”
Ricky “Yes”
Me “They talk?”
Ricky “More or less”
Me “They’re not dead though”
Ricky “No”
Me “Why not call them the ‘un-alive’”
Ricky “Because that would be stupid”
Me “Ah…”
I then started to think what I could do if I was approached by an undead zombie (as opposed to an un-alive salesman). If you can’t kill something that is already dead, by logic, your work is done and you can go make yourself a sandwich. However, you have to do something about it still moving un-logically toward you. If you lack the stamina and equipment and the stomach to hack it into itty-bitty bits you have only two options:
1. Revive them – yes, if the thing coming toward you is undead, then you must restore their health so they will stop their advances. Of course, to attempt this you would have to approach the zombie quite closely. An unfortunate prerequisite. Start your procedure by force feeding several vitamins and pain medications into the zombie’s mouth. Next apply a warm gelpack around the neck and start up the defibrillator. Should you succeed, the subject should be just plain dead and not be in this spooky undead condition.
2. Hold a debate – Explain calmly to the zombie that, logically, they cannot be this way. If the zombie will not move his position but would rather try to grab you, state your closing argument while running away.
Needless to say, my conversation with my brother did not bear any fruit on how to deal with zombies, but it just pointed out the idea of them. It’s always around this time of year that the subject comes up somewhere and people become more aware of the unrealistic but nagging possibility that maybe … perhaps … one is in your basement. Now, why this time of year? I don’t know. One would think that if you really wanted to scare someone you would do it around June 27th or some other unsuspecting day.
But then again, zombies don’t take to reason very well.

*the author is now spooked and will be thinking happy thoughts for the remainder of the day

1 comment:

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