12.16.2005

Holiday Yuck: How to hate your mouth

It's that time of year again. Jones Soda company has done it again with another batch of holiday travesty.


A group of us at work decided to dive into this delectable horror so we could say "I did it." Only after this did we decide that there should have been cash as a reward, but oh well...

Here is a fast breakdown of our experience. I ranked them from least foul to diabolical evil against all that is right and wholesome. Enjoy!


Cranberry Sauce – Not bad. In light of the other sodas, it is the nectar of the gods. On its own, it’s just plain iffy. Not something you would willingly try the third time. The second try is basically for the “did I taste that right?” confirmation.

Pumpkin Pie – Sweet Moses, this was bizarre. It tasted like a pumpkin exploded in my mouth, lodging rotten pumpkin seeds into my nasal cavity. The carbonation seemed too strong and that just added to the pain. There is no second try there, because this experience was starting to taint my enthusiasm.

Turkey and Gravy – I must admit that this seemed to be the dullest of the flavors. It may have been that my palate was already tainted and so I couldn’t get the full effect. I was quick to realize that this was a blessing. The taste of gravy soda was not something I really wanted to fully experience. Hopeing that this would be how the other flavors would pan out showed how young and naive I still was.

Wild Herb Stuffing – For the love of all that is pure and holy, why? Oh heavens, what have they done? The bottle looks like it is lemonade – or dishwater, but the contents hold one of the most devious and destructive contents known to man. The smell isn’t that bad and the initial taste is just bad, but the evil comes into the aftertaste. Like a time bomb, it waits for its ever-coming havoc. Just when you think you’re ready to move on, it assaults your very own soul with a reeking butter flavor that makes you want to rip your throat out.

Brussels Sprout – No. No NO. If sin had a taste, this is it. Actually, I take that back. Satan would probably try to break all theological bounds and repent if threatened with this. I would not wish this on Bill Parker, the bully from 8th grade who use to flick staples at my ears. Bill would probably start to try it and I’d say “Dude, no – don’t do it. I care about you on the basic sense of humanity.” It looks awful to start. A gritty dark green liquid rarely tastes anything but putrid and it stays true to form here. The smell will keep the most hardy away and several of us almost lost it here. Only by pinching my nose could I get it down and then the realization that at some point one has to release your nose so my nasal senses could add to the experience. This is pure evil of an evil that you never knew existed. It’s the Emperor to its Darth Vader. It’s Melkor to its Sauron. It’s the embodiment of Wrong. This is what the world could unite under a banner of peace and say “This is the enemy.” Who knew that peace on Earth could be achieved through soda?

Thankfully, that was the last one. We realized that we were scarred for life - or at least the rest of the day. These are not meant to be ingested, but people will do it anyway. I guess human nature likes to see what it can do to itself.

For the bravery of those 4 that tried all 5 of these bottles of swill, I made the following badge:

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