4.13.2006

Hollow Chocolate Easter lesson

Easter is upon us. For those of you who don’t know, Easter is the holiday that is more theologically significant yet not as materialistically celebrated as Christmas. Nevertheless there are things to buy, though most of it has to deal with bunnies laying eggs or something like that. Whether your pagan, Jewish, Christian or a guy named Hubert, we call all agree on one thing. Chocolate Easter Bunnies should be solid.

I remember seeing my first chocolate Easter bunny. It was in its own box which meant that it was super secret special and not to be associated with the other festive candy such as pastel jelly beans, chocolate coins or those weird goopy yolk egg things.

My little 5-year-old brain proceeded to deduce that the box was there to protect the enormous quantity of chocolate hidden within its bunny structure. It smiled through the plastic film in a “boy, you can’t wait can you!” but I did. I waited until the last moment. It would be the grand finale of Easter munching.

Unlike Halloween, you are given a predetermined amount of candy in various sizes and forms. If one takes an accurate accounting of the spoil, the ratio of good candy to bad is directly proportional to the number of houses you visit. Halloween is quantity over quality essentially whereas Easter could possibly win out on quality, but there is one hindering factor to Easter candy.

3rd Party Chocolate Vendors

Who are these guys? They seem to show up around this time with the cheapest chocolate around. It’s as if the guys from Hershey and Mars said – “Hey, let the B squad go after this holiday” and sure enough you wind up with odd tasting chocolate from Mexico or Uganda wrapped in lead foil depicting a bunny in short pants carrying a basket of eggs from unknown origins. The outcry was enormous to the point that Big Chocolate re-entered the ring and are clawing their way back by changing their colors to a more pastel-y rendition.

That’s fine, but that doesn’t explain the chocolate bunny. As mentioned before, this was a preciously protected crescendo of chocolate. One removed from the container I went forcefully for the ears with a carefully calculated force to bite through a full inch of chocolate only to have my teeth meet together in head jarring smash as bits of exploded bunny ear shrapnel ricocheted off of my face, basket, TV and probably my brother’s head. The darn thing was hollow!

HOLLOW!

Just like the tomb on the third day, my bunny’s body was empty. Melted down, the chocolate bunny was no bigger than a heresy fun size bar so why the secrecy? Why the hype? Well, I took the lesson that cocoa commodities could not support a filled chocolate bunny at the desired size and still be affordable or nutritious for a kiddie.

And that’s probably for the better – just remember to brush afterward.

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