6.09.2006

I'll get that ... and that .... and ... hold on...

I try to be chivalrous. I really do. It’s just that this world of convenience is starting to make it a little harder. Despite any equal rights activists trying to beat me up for wanting to open a door for a female, I already have problems with the general design of entrances.

I’m talking about Breezeways. If you have never heard of the term, you are now enlightened to know that the Breezeway is the area that is almost inside a building. I mean, it is inside the building but it really isn’t your final destination. It’s a limbo of glass and tile and though may look pleasant, people try to get in and out of there as fast as possible except for the poor dope that’s waiting for a ride – he’s stuck in limbo. He’s done with the building yet has no where to go outside and yet waits for his savior in a Ford Taurus who will announce boldly, “dude, sorry I’m late - I got caught up in traffic.”

The Breezeway serves a funnction of being a barrier between the delicate store architecture, design and merchandise and the harsh reality of uncontrollable weather that, when colliding pressure systems send forth wind, a unwelcomed leaf or gala of rain drops come oh so near to the pile of striped sweaters on display. The Breezeway is a corporate “mudroom” that apparently some houses have. I’m in an apartment so what do I know?

Despite the advantages of Breezeways, including sounding like a race horse name, there came a social change that creeped in without us being aware of it - and that is doors. Breezeways contain many doors. Like the locks in the Panama Cannel, you go through door after door until you reach into the inner sanctum of your Macy’s or Wendy’s. This poses a problem for those of us who still want to be chivalrous and open the door for our wives, girlfriends, interests and stalk-ees. Which frickin’ door do you open?
Common Sense would say the first door and when you succeed, the beautiful creature is accosted by another door in her path.

This calls for wisdom.

Do you….

a.) Let her get the door herself?

If you do, you pretty much are hoping that your effort wasn’t cancelled out. Maybe females understand this and credit your initial door opening anyway. It’s risky to ask.

b.) Open every door?

Here you open the door, let her walk in and then quickly squeeze around her and then go and prop open the next door. Repeat until she is fully inside the building. One can use furniture and items not bolted down to aid in clearing a straight path for her to enter. However, this will create a wind tunnel effect and, unless she hurries, a tornado will ensue devistating her, her hair and the patrons inside including any merchandise.

c.) Never open a door for someone

Very common nowadays, but this solves nothing for chivalry-minded males

d.) Never go out again.

This is the most reasonable course of action. Avoiding all female contact removes the issue entirely. I suggest moving North and into less populated areas – maybe the Northwest Territory. Chivalry is becoming too dangerous.

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