6.26.2008

More Jerks from the Bible

Continuing from my last post, here are people from the Bible that score high on the Jerk meter. In no particular order:

Alexander, the Metal Worker 2 Timothy 4:14

Not much is known about this guy except this verse. Paul warns Timothy to stay away from him because he caused a lot of harm to Paul. If I had to guess, Alex didn't appreciate all this talk about not worshiping idols which probably cut into his profit margin. Being a smithy, he probably had some large muscles and decided to use them. However, having Paul record your name for all of history to see as someone who might appear on God's "smite list" isn't worth increasing the profit margin.

King Balak Numbers 23-24

The Israelites are moving about and are starting to cause some panic in the countryside. Moabite King, Balak decides to take a spiritual route rather than a physical route with them seeing as the body count keeps rising. Balak hires the prophet Balaam to speak a curse over them. Even though Balaam says "Dude, I can only say what the LORD gives me to say," Balak responds in a "whatever, just do it" attitude and takes him to a high place to see the Israel camp.
Balaam gets a word from God and pronounces a blessing instead of a curse over the camp which makes Balak a little tight in undies.
Rather than listen to Balaam explanation on how this whole "prophet thing" works, Balak takes him to another place to try again. Since Balak is a contracted consultant, he again speaks over the camp and another blessing comes out. Balak, not knowing when to quit moves him to a third place and another blessing takes place. At this point, the gloves come off and Balak just wants Balaam to shut up, but Balaam says "Geez, now you did it! Here's two more ..." and more favoritism for Team Israel is announced. Balak would have had better odds if he attacked with an army. True, he would have lost, but he would have at least taken a few Israelites with him. The lesson here is "If you're going to play the game, learn the rules."

Korah, Dathan and Abiram
Numbers 16

While traveling away from Egypt and wandering in the wilderness, the people get a little restless. Despite seeing physical manifestations of God's power and provision, people start getting a bit crabby (let this be a lesson to those who think they'd believe if they saw a miracle). Korah's family along with Dathan and Abiram were put in charge of carrying the furniture of the tabernacle. They were the strike crew stagehands. Instead of carrying amps and lighting rigs, they carried the altars, lampstand, tent posts, curtains and the freakin' ark of the covenant - not something to take lightly! Well, Korah gets some sand in his shoe and says to Moses, "Ok, you've gone to far, you took us from a pretty cool place to here. There is no cool place here. The people are holy, you're messed up in the head, man." Moses falls down and appeals to the Lord. Rather than get into a knife fight, he tells Korah to get Dathan and Abiram who quickly respond in a "whatever dude, we're playing playstation" manor and refuse to come. Moses lets God handle this one. Moses and Aaron and Korah's posse line up the next day and God says "Ok. Everyone take one big step backward away from Korah, Dathan and Abiram." I won't spoil it for you, but when God says "Back up." You back up.

6.22.2008

2 Jerks from the Bible

The Bible is pretty awesome. Between the weird ceremonial clothing washings and the thick book of praise songs are some really gritty narratives. Surprisingly, these stories feature the ugly side of some more prominent faith heroes. There are, however, certain individuals who are just jerks. Now, many characters do jerk-like things; like David stealing another dude's wife and then having him killed in battle - that's pretty low. But there are other characters that don't show any redeeming qualities to the character. I'm not judging these guys, the Scripture seems to just point it out as "don't be like this guy."

Here's some jerks in the Bible:

Achan (Joshua 7:1-26)

The Israelites were having a great campaign - kicking butt and giving glory to God. God gave a strict command to not hoard any treasure and everyone obeys - except Achan. Achan hides some loot before Josh and crew head to Ai. The battle between Israel and Ai was to be the North Carolina Vs. Johnson City Tech and Hairstyling Correspondence School Basketball game. A no-brainer shut out. What happened was that Israel got schooled. Defeated. Or as the net culture would say: PWND!1!
Achan admitted what he did only after the grueling process of filtering everyone else out. Achan became part of a gigantic stone pile for disobeying and putting all of Israel at risk and getting some good fighters killed.

Gehazi (2 Kings 5)

The servant of the mighty prophet, Elisha, Gehazi would have probably been on his toes to make sure he was doing things right. Well, no. In chaper 5, we see that Naaman, commander of the army of Aram, had leprosy. Elisha heals him of the leprosy and refuses any compensation. (Very non-jerk like). Naaman even insists to the point that we Americans take as a cue to accept it. Elisha then makes a pledge to God saying he won't take anything. As they part ways, Gehazi determines that they just lost out on some good coin and chases Naaman down. Gehazi takes advantage of Naaman's good graces and scores more than what he asked for through a lame story.
Elisha questions where Gehazi was and we find out that Gehazi is a really bad liar. He also isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer forgetting that Elisha is really close to an omnipresent God. In short, Gehazi gets leprosy and runs away. Poor dope.

So far, our jerk-ology deals with material wealth. We'll see what other themes there may be in the next post.

6.20.2008

How to Pray for Better Protection

We have at our disposal the Armor of God to wear for ourselves, though styles may vary. Though when we pray for others, we can pray for protection for them - for whatever reason, though it's usually when someone leaves on a mission trip.

The common Christian phrase is "praying for a hedge of protection" around them. A hedge? Seriously? Is that the best you can do?

Christian humor, clean humor, sillybear inc."Here ya go! Be sure to keep low!"

If we are free to ask for God's protection, please give me something a little more compact


Christian humor, clean humor, Sillybear IncComplete with Machine-Gun-of-the-Spirit

What really gets me is when people give the Enemy too much credit. Yeah, you're not suppose to invoke a mano-y-mano type brawl, but don't short change what God can provide when the Enemy comes at your hedge with this ...
Christian Humor, Clean Humor, Sillybear Inc.
It's red too! Aigh!

Just remember that God won't place anything in front you that He doesn't think you can't handle with Him.

6.17.2008

A New Children's Song

I'm not the healthiest eater on the planet, but I do have my limits on what junk food I will eat. I won't sit and eat an entire bag of potato chips or snack every night, nor do I want to. But my habits have changed my chemical composition to respond to certain unhealthy stimuli. When those stimuli are removed, there is withdrawal - almost a detoxing effect - that I tend to solve by ingesting the 4 American Food Groups:

Caffeine, Sugar, Grease & Salt.

I had a headache yesterday that was cured from a McDonald's Coke and small fry - the simplest conglomeration of the above Junk Square.

On my way back home I realized that the kid's song that goes "Head, shoulders, knees and toes - knees and toes" has a rhythm that compliments the Junk Square.

I recommend singing this while vacationing:

Caff-eine Su-gar Grease and Salt, Grease and Salt Yeah!
Caff-eine Su-gar Grease and Salt, Grease and Salt YUM!
Caff-eine Su-gar Grease and Salt, Grease and Salt Bleah!
Caff-eine Su-gar Grease and Salt, Grease and Salt NO!

6.11.2008

How to sleep in a non-sleeping enviroment

Sometimes working long hours can bring fatigue during the day that would be handled easily with a little nap. However, your employer expects you to be awake. Not only are you expected to be awake; but showered, clothed and ready to do something profitable. But what about that fatigue?

Fortunately, you have 2 options. You can inflict harmful amounts of amino acids and sugars upon your heart with a variety of energy drinks, or you can get the rest you need while appearing awake. Impossible, you say? Well, nay-sayer, read on! How to be appear awake while not being awake at all. Credit is due to Calvin & Hobbes for this...

Here's what you need:

Two ping pong balls

Velcro

Sticky-Tack

1. Cut the ping-pong balls in half


Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
Most Ping-Pong balls have logos on them, so that's why you need two.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
"Ta-daaaa!"


2. Cut out two circles from a strip of velcro


Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
Or you can make a Zorro mask for your pet hamster


3. Attach circles with sticky-tack

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it? But you need to test it out to make sure it looks convincing enough.


The First Test (Initial placement)

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
Hmmm. Looking kind of psychotic here. Needs readjusting...


The Second Test (Adjust the focusing of the eyes)

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
Perfect. It looks like I just pounded a 4-pack of Red Bull.

The Third Test (body positioning)

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
Excellent! I look like I'm really into the P & L auditing of a 10 year old spreadsheet!

Remember, your posture helps with the illusion.

Road Test

Here, I maybe getting an ingenius idea on how to market pig's fat as a diet food


Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
Oops.


Remember. You may have to strap yourself into a chair to keep your posture in a more convincing "awake-looking" stance otherwise they may think you died.


To avoid the inevitable backlash or unemploymentness, it might serve you well just to go to bed early.

6.06.2008

What Christian TV should be like

I'll go ahead and say it right now. I am not a fan of Christian Media. I treat it like that one guy you know that hangs around you trying to impress you with his extensive knowledge of Monty Python quotes. Ugh. There I said it and I doubt I'm alone. In fact, I know a lot of people don't like it as well (unless you do the Dead Parrot Sketch, man that thing always KILLS.)

I started to really despise it when secular media started doing TV shows that Christians should have been doing first.

Extreme Home Makeover is the show that comes to mind. Granted, I haven't watched it for a long time if it's even on anymore, but that was something that seemed very selfless and giving - appearance is everything after all and it wants to make you cry.

Christians like to cry happily so it seems like a natural fit.

People may say "but there's Christians on the show," but how would I know that? I'd just assume that ABC grew a big heart and became a Mormon or something - a collective borg-voltron mormon. Wow, that's scary. My point is that ABC gets the "props" or at least that energetic guy with the wild hair and God remains left to wait until someone from the show writes an article about God working on the set in some obscure publication read by people who don't watch TV.

I'm not saying that Christians should get into TV, no we tried that and failed and still fail. Lots of fail. Would, you want some ideas?

Watch this clip and imagine that is was a Christian Group who did it and not a regular comedy troupe:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Nbkbss7i5s

I do a lot of watching of movie clips and imagine the setup is that the main character is a Christian and I'm watching a "Christian" movie.

Go ahead and try it with "Big Trouble in Little China," minus the cursing you can get some interesting inspiration for a movie script.

6.03.2008

She'll be back ...

The AP has just said they are calling the Democratic Candidate ... and it's not her.

I wouldn't get too excited because she'll be back.

8 Less-Obvious Plot Holes or Irritating things in Star Wars

There's another Star Wars movie coming out, did you know? Me neither. I guess I have severed myself from many normal media outlets or this is suppose to slip under the radar as a movie that juuuuuuuuust made it out of a Direct-to-Video decision. I’d like to think that the public has had their fill of Star Wars. I know I have. There is a love/hate relationship that fans have with this series. We’ll watch them and cringe, or just watch certain scenes, or just remember when our childhood didn’t mind seeing campy dialog.

So much has been said already about what works and what doesn’t work about Star Wars, from Jar-Jar (aka The Abomination) to Wedge being proof that you don’t need help from the force or Jedi to survive through the original trilogy, but there are some other points that stick out to me that I haven’t seen people mention much. I need to get them off my chest so here they are:

8. “In my experience, there’s no such thing as luck” Obi Wan - Episode IV

Great philosophy Ben, but remember how Jar-Jar pretty saved everyone by being klutz? If you stand by your statement, then that mean that Jar-Jar was one of the greatest force-users of all.

7. “What I told you was true, from a certain point of view…” Obi Wan - Episode VI

Obi Wan basically covers his butt from telling half truths about something as significant as Luke’s paternal heritage. It’s not really a good representation of even a half truth: “Darth Vader killed your dad, even though Anakin wasn’t given the title until he first turned to the dark side.” Obi-Wan basically shuts Luke up by telling him “that’s life, suck it up – if you don’t kill your dad, we’re all dead and it will be your fault. Can you live with that guilt?”

6. “Only a Sith deals in absolutes!” Obi Wan - Episode III

Yes, a lot of my complaints deal with Obi Wan. It’s mostly because he’s suppose to be the sage and holder of truth that is more palpable than Yoda’s fortune cookie speak. Anyway … after Anakin states that if Obi Wan isn’t aligned with him, then they’re enemies. To which the above quote is stated. Obi-Wan lives in a world of compromise which would give him a place of honor at the table of Scottish nobles in Braveheart … you know, the ones that William Wallace systematically took out one at a time.

5. “You haven’t learned anything.” Obi Wan - Episode II or III, (I can’t remember nor do I care.)

Geez, what a mentor. Sounds like an absolute statement (see #6) to me. “So you’re saying I’m still as knowledgeable as that 8 year old kid you met on that sand planet that called lightsabers “laser swords?”

4. “Is the dark side stronger?” “NO! … no…” – Luke and Yoda - Episode V

What Luke asked as an innocent question was answered with panic and hysteria. Oh really? The dark side isn’t stronger? Ok then how can one Sith be able to blind the entire Jedi Council? Oh and Palpatine kills off several Jedi in 4 seconds that a 30 minute battle scene couldn’t do. Sure.

3. “You speak of the one who is to bring balance to the force and you think it is this boy?” Mace Windu -Episode I

Balance to the force? What the heck does that mean? An equal number of votes between dark and light sides of the force? So you’re saying that the dark side has a place? Yet you’re saying to stay away from the dark side? This is a weird belief system. If balance is meaning an equal number of Jedi to Sith, then at the end of Episode III the score is now brought down to two Jedi (Obi Wan and Yoda) and two Sith (Darth Vader and Palpatine). Balanced was achieved, prophecy fulfilled – why are you complaining?

2. “It seems she’s given up hope.” Some Robot Nurse - Episode III

Padme is dying on a slab from a broken heart, apparently. She’s given birth to twins but that was ok, she apparently is giving up on life knowing that her hubby killed a lot of things dead very quickly. Yet when we hear her final words she said “There’s still good in him.” Huh? Do you have hope or not? Could you stay alive and talk a little bit more about this?

1. The Jedi Council – Episode I, II & III

Lucas’ hatred of politicians is evident with the Senate wishy-washyness and easily corruptibleness and other “ness’s,” but the same thing is apparent with the Jedi Council as they basically refuse any type of request brought to them. This makes the Sith look like the only group that gets anything done. Let look at the scoreboard:

SITH

  • Manipulates the Trade Federation to force a vote of no-confidence of the current Chancellor
  • Created a secret Army and keeping it hidden by removing the planets record from the Jedi Library
  • Trained Sith arts to people that don’t really have to sign on as full-fledge members
  • Manipulate the Senate to give obtain martial law
  • Outsourced the Death Star … twice
  • Wiped out all but two Jedi


JEDI

  • Refuses to train people
  • Killed two Sith, but that was actually what the Sith wanted anyway


Being a Jedi seems to be a lot less appealing now. What’s more is that it’s really easy to turn to the Dark Side, to release your anger – like when laying down tile flooring. I would very much like to use force lightning if after I shout “This will never line up!!!” and Obi Wan jumps in and says “Only a Sith deals in absolutes!”

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!